Separating Memories from Purchases

I really struggle sometimes with associating bad memories with products. It's a blessing and a curse because it helps me not to make irrational purchases when I'm in a bad mood. Once I realized this association my shopping habit changed for the better. But it also means that when I really do want something it might take me longer than I expect to buy something.

Enter this insignificant watermelon brush cleaning set. I saw it online a month or so ago when I was browsing Sephora's new products. As soon as I saw it, I knew I wanted to buy it. I had been wanting a brush cleansing pad for years but had always convinced myself that I didn't need it. Something about the watermelon shape and colors just spoke to me though, and I told myself that I would wait to buy it at the spring Sephora sale. During the sale I went into the store to look at it in person. I didn't purchase it that day though; I thought I was going to go home and buy it online to get a better Ebates credit. But then life happened, and I missed the end of the sale. Oh well. I didn't save that $1.50. I'll just buy it the next time I go to the mall.

Today was the first time I was able to go out to the mall since the sale week. I have had a horrible weekend, but I was determined to get that watermelon scrub pad. I had wanted it for so long, and I constantly thought about it when I put on my makeup. I want to be able to purchase makeup and stuff in general without feeling like I'm buying it because I'm having a bad day. Yes, I was having a bad day today, but I wasn't buying the watermelon set for that reason.

And I need to remind myself of that. When I'm having a bad day and eat something, I don't forever associate that food with the feelings. I don't pass by Chick-fil-A or Burger King and get reminded of the bad day I had three months ago. So why is it different when I buy makeup?

Here is to this ridiculous watermelon set, this little plastic trifle that is going to be my first step in separating my feelings from my purchases. Sure, I had a bad weekend. But I am going to love cleaning my brushes with it.

The Want to Want

The want to want. The first time I heard this phrase was a few months ago while watching a video by Hannah Louise Poston. As soon as I heard it, something clicked. I am certainly someone who will spend inordinate amounts of time browsing for something to buy just to feel productive when I'm feeling bored or lazy.

When I was first introduced to the beauty community on YouTube, this pull to research products continually was such a perfect fit for me and my want to want. A few years ago there were no panning or conscious consumerism channels. The majority of videos that I saw were hauls, subscription unboxings, or favorites with at least five new products mentioned every week. When I was constantly being bombarded with multiple new options each day it was easy to find something to want. (Of course I need six pink blushes because they are all slightly different in color and finish. And I definitely need a bright purple eyeliner just in case I want to use it one day two months from now.)

Over time, however, I stopped watching those unboxings and favorites videos. I started being more critical about what I was purchasing myself. In fact, I started to learn what my own preferences were when it came to makeup. I realized I didn't need somebody else to tell me what their favorite brown eyeliner was, and I didn't need another person to review whatever brand had released the newest one. Once I did a bit of research (aka just going to Ulta and Sephora and swatching any I could find until I found the best one for me) I committed to my choice and stopped idly browsing brown eyeliners.

I would love for this to happen with the rest of my collection, but it's a slow process and one with ever-changing tastes. The pink lipstick I like today will probably not be the pink lipstick I like three years from now. This is partly why I strive to have a smaller collection now; I want to use products as much as I can while I still thoroughly enjoy them.

But the want to want still lingers. It wavers often now between makeup items and other hobbies. I have been trying my best lately to just stay off the internet and spend more time playing with my toddler or reading when she goes to bed. When I'm not being reminded that I should want something it's much easier to ignore the want to want.

Single Shadow Tag

Zeyn San recently created the Single Shadow Tag. I have been enjoying her YouTube videos for the past few weeks. It's refreshing to see more channels putting out content that isn't all able new releases and hauls, and Zeyn's channel doesn't disappoint.


1. Do you prefer buying single shadows or palettes?
Ideally I would prefer buying single shadows, but in practice this doesn't really happen. When I buy a single shadow, I want to be able to swatch it in person first. This is what has put me off from buying Sydney Grace shadows thus far, even though they often get stellar reviews. I can swatch Mac shadows locally, but I can't buy the refill pans I want there. For this reason I have found it easier to buy palettes sometimes. I don't see myself buying another palette anytime soon though. I have all the colors I want in my collection already, save for a handful, and I don't see a palette magically coming out with just those few non-cohesive colors.

2. When did you start buying single shadows/what got you into them? 
I bought two single shadows at different points in 2015, and I bought ten more to finish off a 12-pan palette at the beginning of 2017. All 12 of these were from Mac because I had heard for years on YouTube about how special creating a custom Mac palette was. I remember feeling so accomplished when I finally held the completed palette in my hands. (Of course, here I am two years later eager to change things around in it some more.)

3. What are your favorite brands/formulas of single shadows?
I have only tried Mac and Urban Decay. (I have purchased four Urban Decay shadows in the last six months to add to the twelve Mac ones). Urban Decay has some interesting colors that I couldn't find in the Mac selection, but I prefer the Mac formula.

4. If you could only pick 3 singles as the crown jewels of your collection, what would they be? 
Everyone's Darling, Brown Script, and Haux (all from Mac) are my workhorses. I can pull them into nearly any look and feel confident. Everyone's Darling was one of my first two singles, so I feel a special connection to it.

5. Which brands' singles do you want to try in the future?
Sydney Grace, easily. Geese a Laying has been on my wishlist for weeks now. I'm also curious about Anastasia shadows.

6. What, if any, are some of your single shadow color gaps?
I have been searching for the singles to replace my favorite colors in Subculture: Edge, New Wave, and Roxy. I also wouldn't say no to the right green, but I haven't figured out what exactly that is yet.

7. How many single shadows do you have?
16. From Mac: Shroom, Vanilla, Orb, Everyone's Darling, Haux, Corduroy, Brown Script, Antiqued, Red Brick, Naval, Indian Ink, Bottle Green (though I've half-decluttered the last three because they frustrated me). From Urban Decay: Bordello, Shellshock, Rockstar, Scratch.

8. Does your single shadow collection lean towards a certain color family/is one color family overrepresented? If so, what is it?
I created my Mac palette with the idea that it would be primarily a neutrals palette, and I think I accomplished that for the most part. I can get a rosy neutral look or a brown neutral look easily from it. This is also the type of look I go for the majority of the time, so it does not feel out of place in my collection at all.

Farewell to My Beginner Self

Often when I put on my makeup in the morning I sit down with my toddler, and we do it "together." At first I could hand her an item to distract her, but over the last few months she has become increasingly more skilled at opening the different makeup items. I don't think anything is truly safe anymore from her curious fingers. And usually I catch her before a tragedy occurs. But not this time. Farewell, Maybelline Master Hi-Lighting Blush in Illuminata. It feels like the end of an era. I remember seeing it first mentioned on Nouveau Cheap's blog. I remember scouring my local CVS and Walgreens hoping to find it when it was released. I thought the crosshatch pattern on it was so beautiful. It was what always drew me to that line of blushes. This particular one though looked different, even more stunning. It was a limited edition drugstore blush that nobody talked about. Yet searching out a limited edition product made me feel like I was part of the beauty community even though I was a beginner. I never found it in the wild, but a few years later I bought it on Amazon. I was so excited to finally own it. I remember holding it for the first time and just being in awe at its beauty. This was at the peak of my makeup addiction. I was never the kind of person to not use a product because I didn't want to ruin it. But there was Illuminata. I swatched it carefully, trying not to mess up the pattern. Looking back it was silly how wary I was with Illuminata when I had another powder product with a pattern I also loved that I ended up fully panning. What made Illuminata so untouchable then? Still, after owning it for over three years I had barely used it. The only times I really did were when I "forced" myself to use it. It wasn't a color I would have bought now in the present. Honestly, the time it was first released would've been the best time for me to have gotten use out of it. It was the pinnacle of my highlight craze, where I thought I needed at least four different colors of highlighters, if only I could find the right pink and the right gold and so on. Illuminata would have been perfect to use once I realized that Becca's Rose Gold was too dark on me. But instead I waffled on the idea of buying it off Amazon for over a year, and by that time, it no longer fulfilled a "need" in my collection. Not that I had a different item at that point, just that I no longer actually wanted to use one on a daily, or even monthly, basis. Interestingly, the day that the toddler destroyed it I was using a eyeliner that I don't use too often. I'm always scared of using the Urban Decay eyeliner in Mainline because the color is so bright and totally against my style. But it's one of my aspirational products that I keep around because I want to be that person you know who wears a bright, fun eyeliner like blue. I think it's can be so interesting when styled in certain ways. That day I really liked the look that I was coming up with with the Mainline and the Petite Heat palette. I thought the blue and orange paired quite nicely together. I didn't realize that she had destroyed the Illuminata highlight until I was done with my makeup and we were putting everything away. I had a mix of feelings. I was disappointed in myself for not catching her earlier digging away at the compact with her thumb. But I was also sad that it was destroyed and had lost that beautiful pattern. Why though? Why did I care so much? I hadn't used it in ages, and it had miraculously survived through countless declutters. It was time to say goodbye. I just needed a reason.